


It's Always Been You

by hedakomtrikru13



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clexa, F/F, F/M, Grounder Clarke Griffin, Heda Lexa, M/M, Slow Burn, descriptive deaths, post season two, start of season three, tags will develop as story develops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-04 02:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15831954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedakomtrikru13/pseuds/hedakomtrikru13
Summary: Two months after Clarke wiped out the population of Mount Weather, she’s still in hiding and not quite ready to face her people.Two months after Lexa left Clarke during the battle of Mount Weather, Lexa is regretful and Clarke is unforgiving.Angst, slow burn, Grounder!Clarke, and more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, Clexakru. I'm trying this whole writing for the public thing out. Let me know what you think of the first chapter!
> 
> I have thoughts and Trig italicized, with the English translation italicized as well, in parentheses, following closely behind the Trig. 
> 
> *** is breaking shit up. 
> 
> This is my first public fic, and also my first time translating Trig so here's your warning.

Clarke isn’t entirely sure how she got here. A few months ago she was in solitary confinement on the Ark, in _space._ Now she’s on Earth, deep in Trikru territory, hidden in the woods like the outlaw she feels like she is. She used to be the privileged pretty girl with the perfect family and a bright future ahead of her. Now her father is dead and it’s her mother’s fault. Still perfect? Hardly. Oh, and bright future?

 

Well, at the moment, a dangerously large black panther is lunging right at her while she is helplessly flat on her back with her weapon five feet to her left, so “bright” probably doesn’t cut it.

 

She rolls to her left, dodging the fierce animal, and is able to scramble up her dagger. She gets back up to her feet, crouching down with her weapon held out in front of her.

 

The animal leaps towards her and Clarke is able to turn her body to the right and maneuver herself into a position where she’s able to wrap her arms tight around the panther’s neck. The animal growls and tries to claw at her, but Clarke swiftly slices the blade deep across the front of its neck.

 

As blood pours out and the animal falls to the ground, defeated, Clarke blankly stares at the blood covering her hands.

 

_“What did you do?” Jasper’s painful glare is pointed right at Clarke._

_“We had no choice.” Clarke says in a small voice._

_“I was gonna kill Cage. If you had just given me one more minute, it would’ve been over!” Jasper yells, sorrow visibly showing on his face and in his voice._

_Clarke feels as small as she has ever felt in her whole life while she looks down at Jasper while he desperately clings to the lifeless body of the girl he loves._

_The girl that you killed_ , her mind tells her, as she’s drawn back to the present by the wind blowing through her hair and the blood on her hands that now feels cold.

 

She’s been on her own for two months now, ever since she took Mount Weather down. Ever since she murdered hundreds of people, wiping them out. She still struggles internally, and sometimes externally, with the things she has done.

 

It had to be done, despite the sorrow and guilt she feels everyday because of it. She knows this. There honestly wasn’t any other way.

 

Even if they could’ve gotten to Cage before he killed anyone else, what would they have done with all the children, all the people that were truly innocent? How were they supposed to live amongst us if the air outside killed them almost instantly? Could they have gotten enough people to volunteer to donate bone marrow? Could that have worked? Did she unnecessarily kill hundreds of people?

 

These questions ran through her head for weeks after she left Camp Jaha. She would lie on the forest floor, completely helpless to anyone who could’ve came upon her, and go over every scenario in her head. Every possible other route she could've taken. The faces of all those children would haunt her in her dreams. She would be walking through the woods and her Jasper’s voice calling out to her.

 

_What did you do?_

No matter how many days passed, she couldn’t ever seem to wipe the blood off of her hands. The guilt in her heart seemed too much to bear at times.

 

 _Honestly_ , Clarke thinks, _it still is_.

 

How did she even get here? She often wonders that, thinking back to her days on the Ark, before everything went wrong. Before her father was floated for trying to do the right thing. Before Clarke was put in solitary confinement for trying to help her father. Before a hundred of the most expendable people on the Ark, underage criminals, were sent down to Earth one hundred years too early, to see if it was survivable yet.

 

She has changed drastically in the past year, and especially in the last two months.

 

 _How long has it truly been?_ Clarke stops and thinks for a minute, then shrugs it off. Enough of the past, she needs to worry about the present.

 

" _The dead are gone. The living are hungry._ "

 

Suddenly green eyes are filling yours and the rest of the world seems to melt away. Her strong jawline and hard stare is right there. Right in front of you. 

 

She looks down at your hands, still bloodied. 

 

_"What you did will haunt you until the end of your days."_

 

She disappears, but the heartache she brought stays.

 

Clarke gets up, wiping the blood off on her pants and she gets to her feet and glances around the woods. She looks down at her prize, sighs, and walks off to gather materials to help her carry it to the trading post.

 

She doesn’t know how she got here, but she’s sure as hell tired of it.

 

***

 

“Another kill, hmm?” Niylah says as Clarke enters her trading post.

 

Clarke simply nods and drops the large animal to the floor, wincing from the ache in her bones and muscles. Getting that thing here was not an easy task.

 

Niylah quickly goes into the back and comes out with a wooden box.

 

“Here’s your share from last week’s kill. I will have this one,” she points to the panther lying on the floor, “ready for you in a few days.”

 

Clarke smiles somewhat warmly. “ _Mochof, Niylah._ ”

  
Clarke has picked up on quite a bit of _Trigedasleng_ in the past two months that she has been out in the woods on her own. It’s been peaceful at times and miserable at others. Anything, however, beats having to look into the eyes of her people, knowing what she has done.

 

“You can wait here awhile if you want. Have a drink with me, maybe.” Niylah says, looking at her softly. It reminds Clarke of the way _she_ looked at her months ago, before the Mountain. Before she left. Before Clarke was forced to do what she had to do for her people.

 

_You killed hundreds of innocent people. **You**._

 

Memories come flooding back to Clarke as she quickly shakes her head no.

  
“I’ll be back in a few days.” And just like that, she’s back out in the open woods, fresh air filling her lungs as tears threaten to pour from her eyes.

 

No matter what Clarke does, she’s always there. No matter how many hours, days, weeks, and months pass by, she’s always on Clarke’s mind.

 

Clarke shuts her eyes. _I wish she’d stay out of my head and out of my life._

 

_Do you really, Clarke?_

 

Clarke shakes her head and trudges forward through the woods. She’s been moving around from spot to spot, making sure she doesn’t stay too long in one place. If she were to be caught by the grounders, by Trikru or even worse, Azgeda, she’s not sure what would happen. 

 

She has learned that Azgeda is the worst, or at least that is what every Trikru warrior she has overhead thinks. Every warrior that comes into the taverns and trade shops speaks of how horrible Azgeda is. They talk of how brutal, ruthless, and heartless they all are, sneering whenever anyone says anything about them. From what she has gathered from listening in on many conversations, there seems to be a rift between Azgeda's leader, Nia, and the Commander. 

 

She shakes off the thought and keeps moving. 

 

She walks skillfully through the woods for what seems like days, but only truly about an hour. She comes to the opening of a small cave that she has called home for almost two weeks now. It’s almost time to find another campsite for a while.

 

Clarke sighs. She’s honestly tired of hiding, of going from place to place, never staying long enough to draw attention.

 

She misses her friends, her people, but she’s not sure if she can handle being around them again. Not yet.

 

_You know what you have to do._

 

 _No_ , she thinks. _I cannot do that. I will not do that._

 

She lays down on her makeshift bed made out of fur from some of her kills and a good amount of straw underneath it, giving it some thickness so she’s not lying uncomfortably on the hard ground.

 

She looks around her small, humble abode. She has a few drawings on the cave walls that she has made in all her free time. She gathered colorful leaves and made a sort of ink from them.

 

There are pictures of the sky, the ground, and some kids playing in the woods that she’s observed in the last couple of months. Her favorite one is of a sunrise she watched the morning after she left Camp Jaha.

 

For whatever reason, she likes that one the best.

 

Her mind drifts back _her_. Back to that night. Back to when she watched her walk away. Back to when she walked past hundreds of lifeless bodies on the floor inside that Mountain.

 

The pain, although somewhat better than it was two months ago, still seems unbearable at times.

 

There's always that question in the back of her mind. The haunting "why" that keeps her up at night. 

 

She's not sure that she can ever forgive her. She does know that she'll never be able to forget. She will never forget how she felt as she watched her walk away, leaving her all by herself to save her people.

 

" _I made this choice with my head and not my heart._ "

 

***

 

Five days later, she goes back to Niylah’s trade post to get her share of the meat.

  
“ _Hei_.” Niylah says to her as Clarke walks up to the counter.

 

Clarke nods her reply and looks around before she settles her eyes on Niylah.

 

Niylah is pretty. Clarke is not stupid. She’s not blind. She can see how she looks at Clarke. She’s witnessed how she acts around Clarke versus how she acts around the other people that come in for her services. She’s definitely different with Clarke. She’s more open and easy going, even flirtatious at times. She knows that the woman has given her hints of her interest since she’s been coming to her trading post, but for some reason, Clarke can’t seem to reciprocate.

 

_She’s not the one you want, Clarke._

The mumbling of grounders walking in, speaking _Trigedasleng_ , draws her attention to the door.

 

Three big, burly men walk in. They appear to be Trikru, but Clarke has learned that sometimes you can’t really tell.

 

They were speaking in hushed voices, but she could pick up on a couple of words. Her heart stopped when she heard one of the men say that Azgeda seemed to be getting closer and closer to Camp Jaha. To her people.

 

Niylah came out at that exact moment and asked the men, “Ste heda na Skaikru camp?” ( _Is the Commander going to Skaikru camp?)_

 

One of the men, with a tattoo of a tree on the side of his neck, scoffed and said, “ _Heda ste gon Polis. Skaikru laik nou oso kru_." ( _T_ _he Commander stays in Polis. The sky people are not our people.)_

 

Niylah had a crease in her forehead, seeming frustrated with the warrior’s response and attitude. “ _Ste Heda na sen gonakru op, sis Skaikru au?_ " ( _s the Commander going to send warriors, help Skaikru?)_

 

The man narrowed his eyes at Niylah. “ _Oso beda nou sis skaikru au. Emo laik branwoda. Skaikru laik splita!_ ” ( _We better not help the sky people. They are fools. They are outsiders!)_

Niylah glanced at Clarke and could see that she was ready to leave.

 

“ _Hir,_ ” Niylah said, giving Clarke a small smile. “ _Disha ste yun_.” ( _Here, this is yours.)_

 

Clarke nodded her thanks and quickly left the trading post.

 

What was going on? Why was Azgeda getting so close to Camp Jaha? Why is almighty _Commander_ not doing anything about it?

 

She has a million questions flowing through her head and panic coursing through her veins.

 

She straightens up and puts on her leader face.

 

 _Oh, I’m about to get some answers,_ Clarke thinks.

 

She knows what she has to do. She has to protect her people. She has to do what is right for them.

 

Clarke walks back to her cave, mulling over her options. Does she go straight to Polis? Does she go straight to Camp Jaha? Which is worse, facing her people, the ones she helped save _and_ let down, all in one decision? Or seeing _her_ , the woman that ceases to stop invading her dreams and thoughts, no matter how many times she has fought to keep her away.

 

 _What do I do?_ Clarke thinks.

 

_You know what you have to do._

 

Clarke sighs.

 

She gathers up her things, trying to make the cave look like it hasn’t been used, and looks at the walls one last time.

 

A wave of emotions passes through her, making the hair on the back of her neck stand up and her stomach twist in knots.

 

She looks at the drawing of the sunset. A surreal feeling comes over her. Her time of hiding from her past, from her people and her choices, is over. She has to face to her demons and conquer her fears.

 

“It’s time.” Clarke whispers.

 

She turns around and walks out of the cave and back into the woods.

  
***

She walks for hours, picking edible plants along the way. She spots several small animals that she would usually try to hunt and kill for food, but she has a good amount of meat strips in her pack from her last big kill.

 

She comes across a small pond and stops to refill her water jug. She splashes some water on her face, letting it drip down past her jaw and neck, into her shirt. It cools her off a little from the heat of the afternoon.

 

She sits down for a few minutes, giving her body a short break. She looks around at the natural scenery in front of her. Trees all around her, with small insects flying around and little woodsy creatures up on the branches of the trees. The flowers in these woods are incredible. For every color you could think of, there's a flower to match it in these woods. 

 

Over the past few months, Clarke has really come to appreciate the ground and it's inhabitants, all the way down to the flowers and the bugs.

 

She feels more like a grounder than she ever felt like Skaikru.

 

Still, they're her people, and she has to do everything she can to help protect them.

 

She continues walking for another hour or so, until she hears noises.

 

Horses. Voices. A lot of them.

 

 _Great, this better not be a Trikru army, or worse, Azgeda,_ Clarke thinks to herself as she crouches down behind a thick, wide tree.

 

At least fifteen men, presumably warriors, go by on horses. They seem to be completely unaware of her presence, much to Clarke’s relief.

 

Clarke notices the unmistakable markings of Azgeda on the warriors faces. Panic settles in and she knows she is cutting it close. She has to do something before Azgeda's whole army gets to Camp Jaha. She can't let her people be victim to Azgeda's brutality.

 

Clarke waits almost fifteen minutes, letting the group of warriors pass, before she goes to stand back up.

 

A small, almost inaudible noise comes from behind her. She whirls around and her heart stops.

 

“ _Klark.”_

 

“Lexa.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa face each other for the first time since Lexa left Clarke at Mount Weather. Flashbacks, intense and heated conversations, angst, and more. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**2 months ago**

 

Everything on Clarke's body was on absolute fire. Sweat was pouring down her face, dripping off her chin and falling to the ground below her. She walked like her legs were jello, because they honestly _felt_  like jello. Every muscle in her body seemed to be screaming at her, her head felt entirely too heavy to keep up, and she wasn't quite sure how she hadn't ran right smack into a tree yet. 

All the physical pain she felt in that moment, however, was incomparable to the deep and terrible agony she had internally. 

_You deserve this pain; they're all because of you._

Clarke had been walking ever since she left Bellamy at the gates of Camp Jaha many hours ago. She's honestly not once thought about turning back.

It was getting darker and harder to see, especially with the insane amount of trees in the woods around her. She didn't really have a set location in mind when she left, she just knew that she had to leave and put as much space between her and Camp Jaha as possible. She couldn't take seeing her people. She couldn't look into Jasper's hateful and mourning eyes. She couldn't see Raven, Kane, and all the others suffering from their injuries they got from Mount Weather. She couldn't have anything around her that reminded her of what she had done. 

She honestly needs this. She needs the solitude. She needs to readjust and learn how to be herself again after all she has gone through in the last month or so. From being sent down to the ground, not knowing whether she was going to make it through the landing or not much else the potential radiation, to trying to bring together the hundred delinquents in order to help them have a chance at surviving on the ground, to making the decision to kill hundreds of people and wiping out a whole population. Clarke has definitely been through hell since that fateful day she was roughly pulled out of her solitary cell up on the Ark. She needs a moment to herself. Clarke needs to remember what life is about and what she wants to do with it.

Right now, however, she's not thinking about herself at all. She's thinking of all the people that are now dead because of her decision. Everywhere she looks, she sees cold bodies on the ground with awful sores covering their exposed skin. She imagines the excruciating pain they all must have went through, suffocating to death as the deadly toxic air filled their lungs and painted their skin with sickening lesions. 

 _All because of you._  

Clarke stumbled and fell, hitting her head on a thick tree root running across the surface of the ground, causing her to slip into unconsciousness.

 

***

 

A cool breeze and some leaves running across her hands awoke Clarke.

She lifted her aching head and looked around her, trying to remember what happened before she lost consciousness. She was surrounded by multitudes of trees and plants, birds and insects audibly present as well. She saw a distant yellow, orange glow among the partly darkened sky. 

Clarke slowly rose to her knees, feeling of her head to make sure there weren't any obvious injuries. She was able to get to her feet with the help of a nearby tree and then she witnessed one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen.

She wasn't sure if she had ever paid attention to the sun rising since she had been on the ground. From the moment they hit the ground, literally, she had been busy trying to keep her people alive. 

This was the first time Clarke had ever truly been alone; no one to look after, nothing to do, and nowhere to be. 

This was the first time she had been able to really breathe. 

Clarke leaned against the trunk of a wide tree and let herself get lost in the beautiful display before her. The subtly bright and stunning colors adorning the early morning sky truly amazed her. She had a sense of relaxation and peace come over her while she gazed upon this sight. 

The first and only person that came to her mind was also the very person she so desperately wished to forget.

 

******

 

"Lexa."

Clarke stood, completely shocked, in front of the Commander. The woman who saved Clarke, and only Clarke, from the bombs at TonDC. The woman who kissed Clarke in her tent just before they marched upon Mount Weather together. The woman that abandoned Clarke at Mount Weather when she had needed her the most. 

" _Heda._ " Indra stepped forward slightly, angling herself in a way that seemed like she was trying to shield Lexa from any attack Clarke may make on Lexa. 

_Lexa._

_"Chil au, Indra."_ Lexa said, giving her signature single nod to Indra. (Calm down, Indra)

Lexa turned her gaze back to Clarke. She seemed completely unfazed by the current situation the three women had found themselves in, but her eyes gave her away. Clarke had always been able to see through Lexa's stoic  _Heda_ look just by looking into her eyes. Lexa's eyes held the truth. She was just as shocked to see Clarke as Clarke was to see her.

" _Klark_. Why are you here?" Lexa asked, narrowing her eyes slightly at Clarke.

 Clarke narrowed her eyes right back at Lexa, anger building up inside of her. Lexa was the one that untrustworthy, not Clarke. Lexa was the one that left her to deal with Mount Weather alone. She had promised to help, then suddenly and unexpectedly left her in the middle of a battle. 

"I heard what's happening and I heard you weren't doing a single thing about it. I guess you're pretty good at leaving us to fend for ourselves."

Indra snarled, stepping forward towards Clarke. Indra had always been protective of Lexa, of  _Heda._ She had truly never trusted Clarke, or any of the Skaikru for that matter. 

" _Hod op, Indra, nau. Hosh, Azgeda gona raun."_ Lexa sternly told Indra, giving her a _Heda_ -like look. (Stop, Indra, now. Azgeda warriors are near)

Lexa was right, the Azgeda warriors could not have been too far away. It had been at least 15 minutes since Clarke had last seen the relatively small group of Azgeda warriors, but they could possibly still hear the women. 

"We must leave now." Lexa said, looking at Clarke expectedly. Her look said "are you coming with us or not?"

Clarke kept her eyes narrowed at Lexa. She was not going to just fall right back into Lexa and her protection. She did not want to be under her authority or protection. Not after last time. 

" _Ai nou wich em yu."_ Clarke said, her cold stare unwavering. (I don't trust you)

Lexa's eyes widened at Clarke's use of Trigedasleng. 

"Azgeda's 'military exercises' are getting dangerously too close to Camp Jaha. I plan to engage them, to question their authority and loyalty to the coalition. Do you wish to help or not, _Klark_?

Clarke swallowed, debating on telling Lexa where she can shove it and going off on her own. She doesn't need her help. She can find her way to Camp Jaha, to her people. She doesn't need Lexa. 

 _Follow her_. 

Clarke clenched her jaw. "Fine. But stay away from me. I'm doing this for my people."

Lexa hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Fine, _Klark_. Whatever you wish."

The women walked in the opposite direction of where Azgeda had been heading. After about 30 minutes, they came upon two beautiful horses tied securely to a tree. Clarke stopped before the two other women did noticing the difference in numbers between the horses and the women.

 _I am not about to get anywhere near her_ , Clarke thought while Lexa prepared her horse for their journey.

Lexa must have sensed Clarke's uneasiness and looked at Indra. They seemed to have a short conversation, yet no words were spoken.

"Come." Indra said to Clarke, regarding her like an annoying child.

Indra swiftly mounted the horse then looked down, giving Clarke her hand as an offer of help. Clarke took Indra's hand and swung herself up onto the horse's back. 

" _Hos of!"_ Indra spoke authoritatively. (Go!)

The two horses bolted forward, taking the three women on they backs with them. 

 

***

 

After an hour long horse ride and a painful backside resulting from it, they arrived at the grounders' camp.

 _Grounders sure do know how to set up camp,_ Clarke thought as she looked around. 

There were tents everywhere, along with fire pits and makeshift kitchens and blacksmith shops. They were all prepared to stop Azgeda from engaging upon Camp Jaha. Clarke was thankful in that moment, looking around at all the grounders and warriors present. They had come to help. 

 _If only they had stayed last time_ , Clarke thought to herself as she watched Lexa away. 

" _Chek! Klarke kom Skaikru!"_ (Look! Clarke of the Sky People!)

Hordes of grounders started to gather around Clarke. They all looked at her like she was a queen, like someone they respected. Someone they feared. 

A young man, surely no older than 20, walked up to Clarke. 

" _Heda_ wishes to speak with you." 

Clarke regarded him carefully, looking over his appearance and noting the way he held himself. 

Definitely a warrior, Clarke decided. Maybe even one of Lexa's trusted guards. He looked so young to be in such a dangerous, but trusted, position. Clarke wondered what his life has been like, what his childhood consisted of. She often wondered, especially during her two months of solitude in the woods, how grounder children's childhood vary from childhood up on the Ark. She knows it must be vastly different, wondering what she might have been like if she had been born on the ground. 

"It's just Clarke." She smiled tightly at the young warrior, noticing that his eyes are like that of a cool, blue pond located deep in the Trikru woods. 

He nodded curtly and turned around, waiting for Clarke to follow his lead. Clarke let the warrior lead her to the Commander as her heart started to quicken. 

All of this was happening so fast. Clarke had not anticipated to see Lexa. When she had turned around in the middle of the woods while stalking a group of Azgeda warriors, Lexa was, quite frankly, the last person she had expected to be faced with. She was also the last person she had wished to see. Clarke had not been ready to see Lexa just yet. Her anger still overpowered her and she knew that seeing Lexa and speaking with her would only end badly. 

The young warrior guided her to the largest tent in the camp. _Of course the Commander would have the largest tent_ , Clarke thought. 

They walked up to the entrance, the warrior pulling back the drape covering the door for Clarke to enter the tent.

The Commander's cool green eyes were on Clarke as soon as she stepped inside. Clarke's heart stopped for a second, then began beating even faster than before. Memories of the last time she was in this tent were suddenly invading her thoughts, filling her head with unwanted feelings.

" _Mochof, Raim."_ Lexa thanked the young warrior who had escorted Clarke safely to her tent. 

" _Pro, Heda._ " Raim exited the tent, leaving Clarke alone with Lexa.

Clarke thought she could literally reach out and touch the tension in the room. Both women were thinking of the last time they were here together. Lexa visibly swallowed, trying hard to clear her mind and focus on the present. 

Clarke cleared her throat and spoke first. "You wanted to speak with me."

Clarke was completely unaware of Lexa's intentions and incredibly wary of why she was summoned to the Commander's tent. Clarke wondered why Lexa hadn't just left her back in the woods. 

"Yes," Lexa started. "A few of my people think that you are still a threat. To me, specifically. They think that you are still.. angry. That you're searching for revenge." 

Lexa tried to select her words carefully, not wanting to anger the blonde standing in front of her. 

Clarke wanted a minute to respond, letting Lexa's words sink in. 

Did she want revenge? Clarke knows that she is still angry at Lexa. She honestly can't imagine herself not being angry with the woman who basically left her for dead. Just the thought of Lexa walking away from her in front of Mount Weather made Clarke's blood boil. She had put all of her trust in this woman who ended up letting her down. 

 _She left you. She broke the alliance. She went back on her word. It's her fault._ Clarke reminded herself as she tried to form a response in her head. 

"I'm here to help my people. Nothing more, nothing less." Clarke said, hoping Lexa would catch on to the double meaning. 

Clarke didn't come with them for anything other than to help her people. No matter how long she had been off on her own, the fact that Skaikru were her people would never change. And she wasn't even sure she was going to stay there with the grounders, honestly. She just followed the two women earlier because of the situation and the fact that she didn't really have another feasible option. Clarke definitely did not want to be around Lexa more than she had to.

"So you are not a threat to myself or to anyone else here?" Lexa asked, her expression cool and without a trace of emotion. Clarke wondered how Lexa could always stay so emotionless.

"If you think me to be a threat, Commander, why are we the only ones in this tent?" Clarke spoke with venom in her tone. 

Lexa's demeanor did not change as Clarke spoke, and still didn't change as she spoke back to Clarke. Lexa always stayed calm and unwavering.

"I know that you do not wish to harm me, _Klark_."

Clarke's jaw clenched as anger began to build up inside of her. "I could, you know. And I should, after what you did to my people."

Lexa's eyes softened a little as she looked back at Clarke. "Your people? Or you, _Klark_?"

Clarke's nostrils flared and she was positive that there was smoke coming out of her ears. She took several deliberate steps toward Lexa, while Lexa did not move an inch. She stayed perfectly still, staring into Clarke's cold and angry eyes. 

"You're so sure I don't want to hurt you, huh?" Clarke was fuming. She swiftly unsheathed her hidden knife.

"How about now, _Heda_?"

Clarke pointed the knife directly at the Commander's throat, just a few millimeters away from nicking her skin. 

All this time, Lexa had not moved. 

"Do it." Lexa said, daring her. "You want revenge? Take it."

Clarke tightened her grip on the handle of her knife. Just a short, quick slash across the front of her neck and she would be dead. Clarke imagined how she would feel if she actually did kill Lexa, like Raven had meant for her to all those weeks ago.

"I should." Clarke said, her voice as strong as her grip on her knife. "After what you made me do, I should."

"We make our own choices, and then we must learn to deal with the consequences."

Clarke was getting to the point of erupting in fury and frustration. She moved dangerously close to the woman in front of her, her nose just inches shy of Lexa's. She could feel Lexa's calm, steady breath against her cheek. 

"You mean _I_ have to deal with the consequences! _I_ had to stay at Mount Weather while _you_ left. _I_ killed hundreds of people while _you_ got to walk away, free of having to deal with all of the guilt and pain that  _I_ now have to bear!"

"Free?" Lexa furrowed her brow while her no longer calm green eyes reflected the pain in her heart. "You think that I walked away from you and was _free?_ You think that I didn't want to stay and help your people? To help _you?_  You think that seeing your face when I told you that I was leaving and having to walk away while you begged me to stay wasn't one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do?"

Lexa tried to cool her expression, but the emotions flowing through her were too strong to tame. Clarke thought that Lexa's decision was an easy to make, when it was actually quite the opposite.

Clarke took a step back, lowering her knife from Lexa's throat. She felt a lone tear slide down her cheek as she tried to swallow some of the heartache in her chest. 

"You left me, Lexa." Clarke's voice broke as she said the woman's name, making Lexa's heart clench. 

Lexa looked down at the ground, not knowing how to fix this. She was afraid she couldn't. 

"I know, _Klark_."

"I don't think I can forgive you. I don't think I even want to." Clarke said. 

Lexa turned and walked a few steps away from Clarke. She brought her hand up to her temple and rubbed at it, closing her eyes. 

" _Klark_ -" Lexa started, but the opening of the entrance flap made her stop. 

A large, burly looking grounder walked into the tent. Clarke kept her knife out of his view, knowing that it would be a bad day for her if this dangerous looking man were to see Clarke having a weapon pulled on his Commander. 

" _Heda, wormanas ogud yu hit em op._ " (Commander, war chiefs are ready for your meeting with them)

Lexa nodded her acknowledgment to the man's news, placing her hands behind her back and entering back into _Heda_ mode. 

"Very well. I will be there shortly." 

The man was about to leave when Lexa spoke again, strong and commanding. 

"Kameh, you will do well to remember to only speak in gonasleng when in the presence of Clarke." Lexa eyed Kameh. "She is still learning."

Clarke rolled her eyes. She knew enough to get by. She didn't need Lexa to try to help her. 

Lexa called for Raim and told him to escort Clarke around the camp and find her food and a tent to sleep in.

Clarke walked out of the tent, not bothering to speak to or look at Lexa again. 

 

***

 

Raim showed Clarke around camp while Clarke asked Raim questions about what has been going on in the coalition. 

She always received the same answer. 

"I do not know, Clarke of the Sky People."

Clarke sighed. "It's just Clarke, Raim. Honestly, Lexa isn't around, you don't have to be so formal."

Raim stayed as expressionless as he had the whole "tour." Clarke thought it had to be grounder thing. 

"I am always respectful, whether _Heda_ is near or not."

Clarke looked curiously at Raim. "I've never really heard anyone else, any grounders, call Lexa by her name. Why?"

Raim looked at Clarke out of the corner of his eye. " _Heda_ is _Heda_."

Clarke was starting to tire of getting short replies and absolutely zero answers. 

"Raim."

"Yes, Clarke?"

Clarke smiled for a second, then frowned when thinking of her next question. She already knows the answer, but she wants to see what Raim says. What a warrior under Lexa's command says. 

What does _Wanheda_  mean?"

Raim stopped walking and faced Clarke. 

" _Wanheda_ in gonasleng means 'Commander of Death.'"

Clarke stayed silent for a moment. She had heard the term a few times when listening in on conversations at taverns and at Niylah's trading post. She had gathered what it meant from her acquired knowledge of Trigedasleng.

"You took down our enemy that has plagued us for a hundred years. Countless of our people have been taken by them, never again seen by their families. Countless more would have been lost to them, too, if _you_  had not defeated them, Clarke." As Raim spoke, admiration and respect shown in his eyes. Clarke could tell he really believed what he was saying. 

Clarke looked down at the ground, still feeling an incredible amount of remorse and sadness from the events that took place at Mount Weather. 

"I killed hundreds of people, Raim."

" _Jus drein jus daun_." Raim replied, his eyes darkened as he spoke the words. 

"I don't want that to be our way. To be my way." Clarke looked off towards the woods, missing the quiet solitude she had for last two months.

Raim thought for a minute.

"Okay," he said. "Then see it like this. Look around you, Clarke of the Sky People. Look at all of these people that are here with us now. Imagine their families. Their _houmon_ and their children. All of these people are here, alive, and in no danger of being taken by the _Maunon_  like so many of their families and friends have been for years. You stopped the vile and senseless acts of the _Maunon._ You gave these people their lives back. You _saved_ lives, Clarke." (spouse; Mountain Men)

Clarke looked around her at the multitude of men and women scattered throughout the camp. She tried to picture them with their families, enjoying a nice day or eating together. She pictured families whole and happy, with a promising and safe future. It gave Clarke some peace, knowing that these people have that waiting for them back home, that they are able to have a happy and fulfilling life. 

_Because of you._

"Okay, fine." Clarke said, annoyed that Raim was right. 

The corner of Raim's mouth turned up into a slight smile. 

"You know, Clarke, that she had to do what was best for her people. Just like you had to do for yours."

Clarke's jaw clenched as she looked away. 

Raim sighed, still wearing the tiny smile. "Okay. Fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about Chapter 2 in the comments below!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think of Chapter 1 down below in the comments! I will (hopefully) be replying to all!


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